The dilemma I’m a 21-year-old student living at home with my parents. My boyfriend and I have been together since the age of 17. For the past year I am certain that I have fallen out of love with him, I never want to be intimate any more and I think we’ve outgrown each other. I’ve tried breaking up with him a few times, but I get teary and swallow my words, or something arises and his familiarity feels safe. We plan to go travelling to southeast Asia this summer. We’ve been talking about it for a while and savings have been put away. I’ve tried turning to my mother for advice, but when I wanted to break up last Easter, she told me I couldn’t because it was the final term of uni and it would disrupt his exam revision. This time, she says it would be cruel because he’s been planning the trip. She labels the times I have mentioned something is not quite right as “hysteria”. The situation is upsetting and my indecisiveness is a monster, but my mother telling me to carry on as normal for his sake leaves me confused.
Mariella replies No wonder. Truth be told we parents don’t always get it right. We’re also pretty bad at admitting it when we make mistakes… or is that just me? Anyway, I’m already digressing. This is not about your parents and nor should it be. I’m not sure why your mother is so committed to you remaining with your boyfriend, but I’m pretty sure she’s got it wrong.
There’s certain to be comfort for her in knowing that you are in a functional relationship with a decent guy, but her sense of security can’t be what dictates your choices. Then again, you are not making it any easier for her. If you’re endlessly revisiting the topic and being indecisive about what you should do there’s every reason for her to think that you remain undecided. Are you? It’s certainly not the impression I’m getting from your letter.
There’s also going to be an element of wish fulfilment for her in keeping you together right now. I know if my daughter was heading off around southeast Asia I’d be delighted if she had a nice boyfriend in tow. But the feelings you’ve described offer little room for ambiguity or indeed censure and there’s not a whiff of hysteria about them to my mind.
There’s nobody who can answer to your feelings for this man, or absence of them, other than you. If your relationship has evolved into a friendship, there’s no benefit in continuing to string him along. You’re just perpetuating the misery for both of you. Of course he’ll be upset, but sparing someone’s feelings is never a good reason to stay in a relationship. There are kind ways to let a lover down and from what you’ve said here you would do better to work on a gentle explanation that allows you both to walk away with dignity, rather than endlessly revisiting the question of whether or not you should be splitting up in the first place.
- The Guardian
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